whatnot and such, per se

Happy O'Slappy Toofpaste: Super-Secret, Underground Recipe

2010-01-31T01:11:00.002-06:00

Oh wow, guys. I've been doing some reconnaissance work lately. It's been dangerous, stealthy, and risky. Why would I do it? For you. To bring you the super-secret, underground recipe for Happy O'Slappy Toofpaste. I'm putting my life even more at risk right now by blogging about it. But, if I lose everything, I'll take solace in knowing that I brought information to the people. Information that you all deserve to have. You may think I'm a hero but I'm just an ordinary person.

It began by me applying for a job as a Quality Control Agent for Happy O'Slappy so I could get the real insider scoop. Mission accomplished: I got the job! After I was handed my apron, gloves and hairnet, I got a tour of the plant. Never in my life have I seen so much toothpaste. In my own bathroom cabinet, I have 2, maybe 3 tubes at a time. But when I stepped out onto the production floor at Happy O'Slappy, I probably saw hundreds of thousands of tubes on the assembly line. And all the workers had brilliantly white smiles. How did I know? They smiled a lot. It's in the job description. Part of the clock-in process for all the workers is to floss one's teeth even! They take this shit seriously.

During my orientation, I got a step-by-step tutorial on how the toothpaste is made. I had a microscopic still camera mounted on my Happy O'Slappy polo shirt's lapel, with a remote capture button in my pocket. I totally splurged on these techy purchases. Again, for the good of the people.

So, here's how it shook down. Remember...Ssshhhhhhh. Mum's the word, peeps.

The first of the three simple, pure ingredients is sodium bicarbonate. Or, baking soda. Happy O'Slappy uses Arm & Hammer but I hear that that company employs animal testing for some of their product lines so I plan to ask the Willy Street Co-op to offer another brand that does not.

The second ingredient in the super-secret formula is vegetable glycerin(e).

Apparently, Happy O'Slappy uses whatever brand is available at the lowest price. Locally in Madison, the one on the left in the photo is available at Community Pharmacy, off State Street, and the one on the right is available at Willy Street Co-op on Williamson Street. Vegetable glycerin is available on such famous streets in Madison!

Finally, the ingredient proportionally lesser than the other two, but so very, very important... the essential oil for flavor. We did a taste-test of the paste pre-flavor and it was salty! After the oil, it was a little salty, but then left my mouth feeling oh-so-fresh. That's a technical phrase in the industry, btw. The batch being made on my orientation day was "clove bud" flavor. MmmmmMMM!

Look at all the flavors!

Citronella toothpaste? Apparently there's a niche market in the northwoods.

So, a rogue employee told me the proportions of these ingredients on condition of anonymity. He makes his own at home. Apparently it's even cheaper than the employee discount! So first, you pour as much baking soda into a jar as you think you want the final product portion to be. Then, you add glycerin so that the consistency is what you want. Hey, you decide! Then, you add drops of your desired flavor to the flavor strength you desire. So easy. It's all up to your own preferences.

Well, the rest of the process gets a little boring, but you can get ideas for how to package and store your home-made version of Happy O'Slappy Toofpaste. These are actually the photos of the jar I made at home. I guess I have the same countertops as my new employer has near the assembly line. Huh.

Since it's so hard to shove something into a tube at home without specialized equipment, I thought I'd use a jar and spoon. So, I used a recycled jar after I ate up some delicious salsa. I sure was ready to brush my teeth after that! But, how do I get the toothpaste out of the jar every day (twice daily and in between meals)? Genius time. Think...think...think. Ah-ha! How about that old light saber spoon that I got out of a cereal box? The light saber function failed after I maybe washed it and submerged it in water. And the spoon part snaps right apart from the saber part, trimming the size down enough to fit right into my salsa jar once the lid is screwed on. Take a look...

You could probably cut or break a plastic spoon in half if you don't possess the good fortune of owning a light saber spoon.

The retail price of a tube of Happy O'Slappy Toofpaste is $4.99. I made twice that much and have a ton of leftover supplies for a few more jars to come. Many essential oils can be purchased for $3-$8 and last forever. It only takes a few drops to make the above recipe. I also use them in cleaning solutions with vinegar and water, so they're good to have on hand for multiple uses. Baking soda is cheap, as you probably know. Also good for many uses. We put it in the fridge, in baked goods and in the litter box (all separately). So, you probably have it on hand already. Finally, that bottle of glycerin on the right in the photo above sells for $8.95 (16 fl. oz.) at Community Pharmacy. I estimate getting 8 jars of toothpaste out of the larger bottle so my general idea of math lends me to believe that making it at home is a better deal, in addition to being customizable, fun, and conscious in multiple ways (all priceless attributes). I wouldn't go so far as saying it's delicious, but I will say that it's pleasant and leaves a fresh feeling in my mouth. Aaaah! Here's the end product, with my creative and festive touch added to the label.

So, there you go! I hope my undercover, life-risking investigation has brought some real-world knowledge and empowerment to you. I'm on the graveyard shift tonight so I better affix my hairnet and get going.
*Jx

Fashion Show Wishes & Documentary Dreams

2010-01-22T14:56:00.006-06:00

Hello everyone -
I'm remaining busy these days as I try to do everything that pops into my head at any given time. It's a little hectic but seems to be part of the equation to keeping me sane. I may drive others a little crazy in the process, however, so I apologize for that. Speaking of, hey! I haven't asked anyone for money in awhile! Wow, who would I be if I didn't ask the people I know and love for some money for what I think is a good cause? Well, without further ado...

My latest activities have lead to me producing a documentary film. That sounds a little fancy but mostly what it means is that I'm trying to come up with the money to make it happen. That seems to be the make-it-or-break it part of this entire project and that's the stage we're at thus far. No pressure for me, right?! I'm happily applying for grants, whistling while I work and such (kidding - I despise sitting down and devoting time to the unpleasant process), but in addition to that, I thought I'd send out an old fashioned call for donors.

So, you'd probably want to know what we're doing before you blindly hand your hard-earned cash over to me. Because, who knows - I may be raising money to euthanize puppies or something. But, I'm not! Whew, right?!

Well, it all began back in September or so when I signed up for a week-long workshop offered by Wisconsin Film School to learn how to make a movie. We actually made a movie! It is called "Hits" and once it's all polished up in the editing room, it will be looped daily at the Mustard Museum in Middleton, WI. I'll definitely let people know when it "hits" the museum film screening room.

Hey - that's me! And I'm touching technological equipment!

Photo Credit: David Ruhland

And the whole crew after a long weekend of hard, but satisfying work...

Photo Credit: David Ruhland

WI Film School is a newer, local, non-profit collaboration of filmmakers with a mission to

instruct collaborate with, and support filmmakers and filmmaking in all genres and disciplines, promoting the arts of filmmaking and digital media through workshops, gatherings, competitions and festivals, taking special interest in the promotion and education of filmmakers of color, underserved communities and activists.

I'm sure you can see why the film school appealed to me. With my social work background and growing interest in using film to promote social action in various ways, it seemed perfect. And, frankly, I wasn't ready to jump into a 2-year film program somewhere without testing the waters a bit. My dream was and is to make documentary films.

Of course, I met some kind and talented folks through that experience and we got to talking. I told them about this great event here in Madison that I've been on the steering committee for for a few years. It's called the Fashion Show for All Abilities. The committee had been looking for someone to take interest in making a documentary about the event but we didn't really know any filmmakers. Social workers...it's like we only interact with other social workers or something because we never have any connections! After describing the event, Jim from the film school became very enthusiastic and we have pitched ideas around a few times since the Mustard Movie workshop. And now we're committed! Funny how this stuff works out, right? Basically, dreams coming true. I'm a little mystified yet that all I had to do was dream, put myself out there (the scary part), and work hard.

Before I get to "the catch" to it all (yeah, that money thing), let me talk a bit about this fashion show. The Fashion Show for All Abilities began as a dream of a young woman named Chantel who had wanted to become a model. After experiencing a brain injury and needing to rely on a wheelchair, Chantel found that modeling agencies were not so interested in hiring a model with a disability. Chantel shared her dream with the folks over at the Waisman Center (part of UW Madison) and the Community Outreach program worked with Chantel to create the annual fashion show that has now, after 5 successful years, become the "Fashion Show for Abilities." This fashion show has become huge in so many ways. First, it's a community awareness event, bridging the gap between retailers and individuals with disabilities. Retailers are beginning to address how to make the shopping experience available to everyone. Secondly, the audience is continually expanding. Every year the venues have sold out and in 2010 the show will be at the lovely Monona Terrace in the heart of downtown Madison. Third, it's been beautiful to see more and more committed volunteers participate with joy every year. Retailers, make-up artists, photographers, a certain radio personality and hairstylists have donated their time and talents year after year and begged to be invited to help again the next. I've read some of their blogs where they share how life-changing this experience has been for them.

And finally (well, not really - there are infinite ways that this show has been hugely impactful but I'll wrap this up), the part I love the most is seeing the models up on the runway enjoying their own moment of a lifetime. After a couple months of planning and preparation, a few hours of pampering and polishing, they each have their moment up there, feeling their best, with a cheering crowd of friends, family members and strangers reflecting positive energy back on them. It's a beautiful thing. An intensely beautiful thing.

So, yeah. That money thing. It turns out that teaching students and making movies is really, really expensive. Crap. So that's what this blog is really about right now. It's a request that you'll consider donating to the Wisconsin Film School. As much as I believe in this project, I can't say for certain that the money will go directly to it, on the off-chance that we don't pull in enough money to cover all the bases on this one. But, I'm pretty confident that with this appeal, and applying for grants, we'll make it. Or I wouldn't be doing this. Because it sucks to put a lot of effort into something and bug a bunch of people about something that one doesn't think is going to happen. I've kind of been on a "making things happen" streak recently so maybe that can put you at ease in your donation. Regardless, the film school is a wonderful non-profit organization with a strong mission related to media, arts and social equality. Beautiful things indeed.

I'll add a link to donate down at the bottom, if you choose. I know money is a tricky thing these days with so much going on in our world. A non-donation is certainly nothing personal.

A few more things I feel like I need to say before you send any money...

The link is to WI Film School's Paypal account, just for this lovely project, and is a convenient way to send your support. If you want to skip the Paypal option, you can just mail a check made out to "WI Film School" to the address below. Please add a note in the memo line to specify that you're donating toward the fashion show project.

Wisconsin Film School
2301 Monterey Drive
Madison, WI 53704
Last 3 Photo Credits: Douglas Otto

We'll be sure to get a receipt to each donor for tax purposes. Wisconsin Film School operates under their 501(c) (3) (nonprofit) fiscal agent, The Neighborhood House Community Center in downtown Madison.

I think that's pretty much the nuts and bolts of it. Thanks for bearing with that and for reading this WHOLE thing! It's such an honor that you did so. Thanks for all the love and support, even after you realized I was bugging you for money :)

Oh, also - nothing is officially in the works yet for post-production but once we pull this off, I'll keep donors (and everyone, I'm sure) posted on any opportunities to view the final masterpiece. I'll also be sending out info and reminders on this blog and my facebook page about the fashion show event itself. Feel free to repost, link, and forward this and any other news I share. And whenever there are any opportunities, we will list donors so you can proudly see your name attached to the project. Thank you!

My best to you,
*Jess

Humanity, I'm Embarrassed For You

2009-12-11T21:45:00.002-06:00

Because you use the word "retard" out of correct context. And because you assume that those around you think that it's a fine use of the word, and that perhaps you're even a little humorous for using it. Your blatant use of this word out of correct context makes me feel a little sorry for you. I think, "Oh that's too bad." It makes me think that you're sheltered and uneducated and lacking humanity. That perhaps you've not grown since adolescence. It's really quite disappointing. And that is too bad. Those are a lot of heavy feelings that I myself, and perhaps others feel about you because you choose to describe people and things as "retarded" as a casual insult. I feel like you are growing in number. I hear incorrect use of this word more and more every day. I really don't understand this phenomenon in our culture.

You may defend your use of the word out of context. To you I suggest that you think back to your last use of the word. Then, imagine finding out that the person you were speaking to has a loved one, a family member who is indeed diagnosed with mental retardation. Or that an individual with a cognitive delay was standing nearby and overheard you. Would you still defend yourself? Could you?

Though the root word "retard" and its offspring words can be applied beyond their use to describe cognitive disabilities in a human, its most widespread definition over time was such. For years, "mental retardation" was standard medical diagnostic jargon, while words like "retard" branched out into our slang. So, when one refers to someone or something as "retarded" in a casual setting, it is most often interpreted as an insult. Though medical terminology has changed, most people with disabilities have lived their lives being referred to as "retarded" by peers, doctors, family members and society at large so we are very much still in a time where this word can cause a negative effect on people and cultures.

I also think that it is important to look within oneself and determine why you feel that it is okay to speak this way about your brothers and sisters at the expense of an uninvolved population of even more brothers and sisters. Perhaps you do not know anyone with a cognitive disability. Perhaps you do not value people with disabilities or people with differences from you. Perhaps you are threatened by your similarities. Perhaps you do not know that you are capable of possessing real love and respect for an individual with a disability. These are all very unfortunate things.

Bad habits are hard to break so I'm not without suggestions here. When the word begins to roll off your tongue, switch it up at the last moment. How about re...diculous? Or, make up a word like re...posterous. Or re...pendous.

I hope that you'll not consider this for my sake. And I doubt most people affected by cognitive disabilities or who have loved ones with disabilities really care either way about your vocabulary. I hope that you will consider this for yourself and for humanity. It's really just a simple editing technique that can have great, positive effects on the energy around you. Simple = Big and Good. Sign us up, right?

Thanks for reading - I know this isn't a lovely topic or splendid experience to personalize to oneself. It's not especially enjoyable to tackle, risking alienating friends and loved ones. But I felt the need and here it is. It's not okay and I can't go along with it being okay. Thanks for your consideration. Take it, leave it, if you will.

Shine & Fance

2009-11-14T12:40:00.005-06:00

so i just fancified the blog and now feel immense pressure to post something. but no ideas. i'm a little exhausted frankly, from channeling all my creativity into setting up this beautiful space. aaah, isn't it nice?

so, let's see. what's left in there. "dink, dink, dink. halLOW!" i know - i'll take the easy route and share a video i created recently. i'm pretty much in the bullshit stages of making film. quite the amateur. but having a wholelotta rad times with it. in fact, it's been over a month now that i've been interning with a video production company and i must say that i'm learning so much and loving every moment of it. unfortunately, i'm at what i call "the awkward teen stage." at first i was delighted by any little accomplishment or catching-on that was happening but now i'm over that and just want to have a fine-tuned, functional knowledge of the entire process. so, i guess my awkward teen analogy did not quite explain itself so i'll elaborate. you know how you're 15 or something and you're all roughed up and ugly, a little greasy and physically awkward? perhaps you have braces on your teeth and you haven't figured out how to pluck your eyebrows yet and you might have a big white zit on your forehead that everyone's been staring at all day? but you want to be taken seriously so bad. you're blowing off your parents, you want to be independent and you're full of angst, just trying to grow up faster than you should. so that's me right now. i'm bobbling around the studio, getting a taste of what can someday be that i want so badly right now, but then i ask the owners, "which button turns off the mac?" yes, awkward. learning sucks sometimes. and i feel so bad for the guys over there. they're extremely patient and kind. i hope this leads to ginormous karma payoffs for them someday.

i know that my expectations of myself are a bit unrealistic being that, yes, i learned how to turn a mac on a mere 5 weeks ago. so i'm being hard on myself. but i hate being a burden. i want to be helpful and i want to move on. ugh! i want a fast-forward button.

so, back to my amateur video efforts. here's one for your viewing pleasure. there's no camera or sound work to speak of - just experimental editing and fun. enjoy!

Mich & Jinx Make a Film

2009-10-09T10:16:00.003-05:00

Now that I've begun my brand-spanking new video production internship, I decided to go home and try my hand at creating my first film project. Just a little something to practice some of what I've learned without dicking up a "real" project at the studio. And I figured I should familiarize myself with Microsoft Movie Maker, which came installed on the cheapy computer we recently bought. It's kind of silly that someone with a professed interest in film-making would not have started by putzing around with the computer and program one has already. Ah well.

At the production studio, of course they have Macs and video-making software costing thousands of dollars. As stated, our home laptop is incredibly cheap and basic. When it was purchased, its intended use was for creating documents and cruising the Internet. Simple things that require little in the way of advanced technology.

In the end, Microsoft Movie Maker is a very dumbed-down program which actually limits creativity. And, of course, the built-in webcam would not be my first choice in camera and sound equipment. For the level of skill I'm at right now, it's just fine. But I'm sure the day will come when I'll decide that I've had it with the stupid program. And then I'll have to sell an organ so I can buy a Mac and a better program.

So, with Mike's participation, I created this little ditty. Tre classy.

Oh, I should type up a little description or something. How funny. Like a parody of a film review. From like, an art publication. Okay...

In Jess Haven's debut film, we see her intrinsic experimental side. She combats her curious relationship with the webcam and its functions against deeply emotional exchanges with her muse, her lover, her husband Michael. The interactions between the mates are poignant exchanges of humor, exploration, trust and oneness. The surprise ending is delectably irrelevant - no doubt Haven's commentary on the constructs of logic. As one delighted viewer expressed, "Bravo Havens. Bravo!"

ugly, part II - and the reserves

2009-03-23T00:27:00.023-05:00

you asked for them. well, one person did. and here they are. the latest additions to the ugly collection...

maeve

teased

sondra

dale

megabitch
side note: these are disgusting. they're cow fur. it was quite a moral dilemma when purchasing them, but i finally came to the conclusion that they were within my rules, as they are used.

***
so that's the latest haul. but i thought, just this once, i might give you a sneak peak into my personal collection (not for sale), which i call, "the reserves."

this was my grandmother's.

an antique store find a few years ago.

mike's packer-sunday getup. the wool, plaid pants belonged to his uncle and the retro packer sweater was a sweet-sweet vinnies find.

a very recent addition to the reserves. i plan to wear this to drag skate this year. which i think will be held in october. you'll know it when it hits you.

i wore this antique-store felt hat out for our anniversary a few weeks ago.

i saved this one for last. i love it! i'll be wearing it to a wedding or two this summer. see more photos for more excitement...

this one shows the colors and bow better.

...and the quality in the lining

sorry, i'm really excited about this last one!!

oh, did you notice my new mannequins? i'm getting there! and in case you missed round one of my ugly collection, here it is. viola!

i'm kind of an horrible person

2009-03-11T22:42:00.003-05:00

ooooooh god. grooooannnnnn. it happens every month. sometimes more than once. but reliably, once per month.

the willy street coop reader ALWAYS publishes a customer comment that annoys the piss out of me. am i overly intolerant? i don't think so. what kind of people expect businesses to cater to their every, little, specific, nit-picky, piece-of-shit desire or need? seriously. i get food allergies and sustainability and requesting certain items and eating/buying local and hormone-free and organic and vegetarian and free-range. i get these things, i do. but at times, the comments and suggestions push it just...a little...too...far. here's an example that i read today...

Ink sensitivity

Q: As a chemically sensitive person, the ink on the receipts makes me ill when it touches my skin. Could you encourage all cashiers to fold the receipts ink-side inward so I don’t have to handle this? They all fold it ink side out and then hand it to the customer. Many thanks for your attention to this and accommodations.

A: Thanks for writing! Our receipt paper is actually a thermal paper that is impregnated with a coating that changes color when it is heated, thus producing the print that you see on your receipts. While it requires no ink, it could possibly be the chemicals used to coat the paper (in doing research, the most commonly used chemicals to treat thermal paper are a combination of fluoran leuco dye and an octadecylphosphonic acid) that are giving you the adverse reaction. If you feel comfortable in doing so, please don’t hesitate to let your cashier know of your chemical sensitivity and they will be happy to give you your receipt in any manner that works best for you, whether it be folding it in a way where the printed side does not come in contact with your skin, or putting it in a separate bag or envelope. We will continue to look into the specifics of the receipt paper that we use and what it can potentially mean for our chemically sensitive customers. -Jesse Thurber, Assistant Front End Manager

OMG. i could scream! dude! lady! what?! the ink on the paper makes you ill??? wear goddamn gloves. it's winter anyway. and i love that there's actually no ink involved. but i'm saddened to think that poor sap jesse thurber even researched what chemicals make up the coating on the paper. and why do people feel the need to write in about something like this? just speak to the human being on the other side of the conveyor belt! i'm sure they can help you brainstorm a fine alternative to having to handle your receipt. i HOPE there's some asshole out there who writes comments like these just to mess with people like me. and if so - you're a goddamn genius.

More plastic please

Q: What is so hard about stocking plastic soup spoons? I haven’t seen one in over a month. Eating soup with a teaspoon is a drag.

good lord. that was worth putting pencil to paper? and dude/lady could have been kinder and more to the point. "please stock soup spoons consistently." done. none of that "what a drag" stuff or "what's so hard about..." attitude.
***

here's a good one that reflects my annoyance with our hand-sanitizer bubble-boy society. sad that the coop gave in...

Keeping clean

Q: How about some hand wipes at the door when you exit?

A: I have been trying to find sanitizing wipes that are not ridiculously expensive and are environmentally friendly and haven’t had any luck. So, I have decided to just purchase the Purell brand. They should be available for use by the time this goes to print. -Jim Jirous, Maintenance Coordinator

of course there's more...

Caught bear-handed

Q: Please shift the little packets of gummy bears up out of sight of kids-my daughter picks them up every time. In bulk section. Thanks.

A: Thank you for your suggestion. Unfortunately with the recent reset, the gummy bears are at a low level in the Willy Pack set. We will consider moving the up in future resets. -Jesse Jensen, Grocery Coordinator

perhaps the coop will decide to only stock lima beans, brussels sprouts and porridge on bottom shelves, for your ease in parenting.

and to top it off, here's a little reader comment fight that began in january and was followed up recently in march....

Shove it

Q: Kindly advise your cashiers not to shove food towards customers in an effort to make them bag groceries more quickly. It’s a bit indecorous. Those items are food that we’ve spent our hard-earned money to buy. It feels a bit like being mistreated. I know you don’t employ baggers in order to keep costs low, and I have no problem with bagging (in fact I enjoy it) but a note to the cashiers: patience please.

i totally give a shout out to the follow-up guy/gal, though i would have chosen to end it with, "get a life, you tool..."

Q: Re: letter in Reader. Please please don’t jump on cashiers that pass the groceries to you. I sometimes have the opposite problem. People—get real!

okay, this is certainly a rant, so i should end on a positive note. this was silly and nice...

Happy Haiku

Q: We love your baked goods. How about zucchini bread? Tasty little loaves! (We would love your reply to also be in haiku form.)

A: We welcome feedback And wonderful ideas. Keep your eyes open.
-Josh Perkins, Kitchen Manager

happy photos

2009-03-05T14:41:00.008-06:00

so here's my mom looking really happy, channeling her 10-year-old bliss via accordion playing. and that's my beaut of an accordion. we were in the sunniest room in my grandparents' house so that was all good-feeling and nostalgic, too.

my lesson yesterday went well, i suppose. this is going to be challenging. but i'll work it out. for now i need to really polish up the basics of music theory and get comfortable with the mechanics of playing the thing. but i really did learn so much already. i won't bore anyone with details. one of you out there would be excited by them and we already discussed yesterday and got that geekiness out of the way.

since i've got the camera going, i thought i'd add another photo along the "happy" theme. this one is from a particular moment when i was going to bed and i looked around the room and felt nice because it was clean. also, probably because mike was not home yet to stink it up. i like the wool mother-in-law-made socks hanging from the dresser drawer to dry. aw, homey.

the end.

prison wares

2008-12-12T17:24:00.003-06:00

mike and i have been looking at purchasing more rental property. insert slum-lord joke here. okay, now that we're done laughing i want to share a little story.

it's nothing new to run into the occasional fascinating item accidentally left out on a table at someone's apartment when the realtor and prospective buyers show up. usually in madison it's pot paraphernalia. and probably not very accidental, actually, considering that madison city ordinance 23.20 states that "a person may casually possess marijuana or cannabis in a private place." but i think paraphernalia is still illegal, however. whatevs. well, that was a tangent. but the point is, it's no big deal to run into such a thing, legal or not.

two weeks ago we were in an apartment and i spotted a prison tv. you know how they are see-through so that inmates can't hide any drugs or weapons in them? i hear it takes years to earn one of those tv's in the clank. still, not a big deal, but i've never seen one in real life, so it was a bit interesting. and it's always fun to come across items in people's homes that give away scandalous details about them. yesterday we went out again and in the bathroom of one apartment, i saw something i never knew existed....a prison hairdryer! it was so rad. i can't even find any online photos to link. oh well - you'll just have to believe me.

i'll keep you posted as i come across other interesting items or oddities behind closed doors.

*jx

who arted?

2008-11-27T23:29:00.005-06:00

do i not understand art? i guess not...therefore, i should probably shut my mouth about it. but first i want to rant about the spoonbridge and cherry sculpture by claes oldenburg and coosje van bruggen. it's displayed outdoors at the walker art center in minneapolis.

i've never been to the walker. so i've never seen this sculpture in real life. but i see it popping up all over the place as an iconic structure in the twin cities area. marketing materials, vacation photos, whathaveyou. i sense that area residents claim some sort of pride and ownership over this sculpture. and i don't get it. i'd guess that there's a whole lotta radder art housed in the TC area that should be plastered all over their tourist brochures. but who am i?

so here's why i don't like the sculpture. and i know i shouldn't take art so literally, but i think this is exactly my problem when analyzing this piece. so i admit it. however... first, the spoon sucks. what kind of spoon has a ridiculous arch like that? and the angle of the head is obnoxious. good luck getting that into your mouth. you'd likely smack your nose with the back of your fist in an attempt. and the scale of the cherry to the spoon. what the hell? it's like a raisin, not a cherry. puh-leez. if you're going to drop mad bones on something like this and employ professionals to construct it, in the name of art, figure that shit out.

that's pretty much all i got. i think the sculpture and it's iconic stature to the mpls area are overrated. oh yeah, i said it.

career du jour: ugly

2008-11-24T21:46:00.027-06:00

oh god, it was marvelous. on my way home from a late eve of work, i decided to stop at "the goodwill" to browse for a holiday sweater. last year i busted up our office's first annual ugly holiday sweater contest. i won! what a rockstar, right? i'm sure they're glad they hired me. so i can't wear the same one this year, of course. buuuut, mike did already ask me to forgo participation this year due to the economy and the irrelevance to our well-being that this entire shenanigan poses. you know, basically, it's extravagant, even though the sweater i won with last year cost less than 5 bones. and i did win a really cool traveling sweater trophy. and it did bring some glimmer of joy to my otherwise stale 40-hour gig that week. so clearly, i am not in agreement with mike on forgoing the purchase of a 2008 holiday sweater. and this is why i ended up at "the goodwill."

somehow, the holiday sweater was the last item i picked up, after filling a shopping cart with other crap. but, for $3.99, done and done!

more excitingly, i began stumbling across some of the most ugly clothing creations ever made. one after another. no surprise, i'm sure. it's goodwill. a thrift shop. of course there's all kinds of ugly crap. but i suddenly realized how exciting ugly stuff is to me. how near and dear the ugly is to my heart. i started out by trying to quell the passion building up inside me, by passing these things by, but something inside me would not allow this. my heart began racing. adrenaline pumped through my arms and legs. soon, i was returning to the aisles i had previously passed through, grabbing all the ugly things that seemed to be calling my name. i don't think i knew at this point exactly what i intended to do with all these ugly things. i simply knew they'd come in handy someday. sweater parties, 80's parties, perhaps this year's christmas card photo? i'd find an excuse to don these beauties, er, uglies, later. then i began grabbing things that were not my size. it somehow didn't matter. logic vanished under a cloud of ugly. beautiful, beautiful ugly.

soon enough, i had devised a plan for all that ugly in my cart...i would sell it...online...at bargain prices. who doesn't want to be intentionally ugly sometimes? some things are so ugly they're beautiful. so ugly they're rad. so ugly they're ugly and should only be worn to parody a certain time period or culture. like the bill cosby sweater. or the stonewashed era.

so i found it. my niche. my creative outlet and a way that i can shop cheaply and guilt-free, as long as i sell it. and make people happy. and funny. and ug-styley. i looove thrift shopping. watch for me online soon. i've got about a dozen pieces to get started with (see below). sweaters and jumpsuits and retro-shoes galore!

but first, the biggest hurdle in my brand new business plan; discussing with the hub. hmmm. he could see this as a serious venture or just write it off as an erratic attempt to get his okay to buy more crap that makes no sense in my life. well, i was nervous, but once i told him, or really, *showed* him, he was excited, too! i should have known - he's the king of ugly. in fact, he was wearing, by chance, brown tapered jeans as i was telling him the idea. i need to sell those while i'm at it, and fast.

(relevant photo narrative below)

work holiday sweater contest '07. i made it myself. used vest and home-made wall decor from st. vinnies. some thread to attach. viola!

this was the brilliance of my coworker toni. she made it a sweater!

basking in my glory in the corner office.

graciously congratulating the runner up. "better luck next time, LAME-O!"

*******okay...now onto my new merch!*******

"cosby 1"

"80's stripe"

"old person sandals"

"paisley tie"

"orange ladies"

"tupperware pouch"

"stonewashed jumpsuit" - sorry, horrible photo

"puzzled"

"ladies' saddle style"

"western blouse"

the view

2008-11-16T11:47:00.003-06:00

i spent an hour or two this morning, all crusty and unshowered, in the same clothes i wore yesterday, with unbrushed teeth and greasy face, drinking coffee and eating toast with butter and salt, watching clips of "the view" on hulu, abc and youtube. ahh, it was glorious. i should have been taking advantage of the sunshine and gotten my ass out to rake my disgraceful yard (and i still should be while typing this). but i must declare...i love that damn show.

whoopie goldberg is amazing. she gets me. elisabeth hasselbeck is hilarious. i really couldn't enjoy the show without her. did you see how snl portrayed her character?! spot ON! the rest of the women on the show totally keep her in check and i love it. babs calls the shots. and i really don't know who the other woman is on the show. oh, and is joy still on the show? i'm not sure where she came from either but she rocks, too.

daytime tv sucks a fatty. but i love the view. that's all.

and in case you did not click on the "snl" link up above, i'm embedding the video because it is too good to miss...

adventures in canned goods

2008-11-11T00:00:00.005-06:00

makin' soup t'night. soupin' make t'night. nightin' soup t'make. makin' soup t'night.

upon digging in my cupboard, i came upon an unfortunate happenstance. i took a pictoral log. join me, will you?

*exhibit a: an unsuspecting array of canned fruits and vegetables. a-ha! sauerkraut will make an excellent addition to my soup t'night.

*exhibit b: woop? wha? hmmm. it appears as though a tiny sauerkraut-dwelling old man is trying to put his large cigar out from the inside of the can.

*exhibit c: let's take a look at this strange protrusion from multiple angles.

exhibit d: it seems to cast a shadow.

*exhibit e: perhaps it would be helpful to showcase the size of the protrusion in comparison with everyday household items.

exhibit f: the time has come. beware the can opener. and the large hand.

exhibit g: pop! pffffsssst! grind, grind, grind. smell that?

exhibit h: note the abnormal color.

exhibit i: view of the inner acute area.

exhibit j: because we cannot stand the smell much longer, in the disposal it goes.

which really only exacerbates the chemicals

exhibit k: the inner can

exhibit l: collecting a scraping for further analysis

exhibit m: a creamy, grey sedimentary paste

exhibit n: piercing it with the tines of a fork, much like the thin layer on the top of a delicious creme brulee.

exhibit o: tetanus

el fin!